the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i can't believe i had my finger in that
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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