one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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