smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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