I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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