You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
