apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize