I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
