i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
