Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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