I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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