I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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