going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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