it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
