thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
