We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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