Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
