he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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