i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
