her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
