Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
