we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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