I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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