HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
