i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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