I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
