He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
