yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
