After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
