watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
