He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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