I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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