I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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