Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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