does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
