I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
