she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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