either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
