your thong is hanging out like whoa
Welp...herpes.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
