watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
