Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
