Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
