My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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