I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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