even my farts smell like vagina
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
