At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
