Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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