get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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