I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
