He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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