Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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