he thought i was a dude.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
