I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Come on in and take your pants off
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