Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
