life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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