nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
