I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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