someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
