i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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