dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So much rum. So many feels.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
