everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
